Working On Me

I’ve been slacking all year. I stopped blogging and sharing photos, and I’m not happy about that.

I guess that I have had some issues to work out.

The last half of 2008 was not so kind to me. It started with my unexpected…well…firing from my job at The City. I can see now that that was a big blow to me. Kinda funny, though, because now I can look back and see how absolutely awful that job was. I think that deep down I may have known how bad that place was for me; however, at the time I was determined to stick with it and see my job through. Foolish of me, really.

The worst thing to have come from that, though, was the blow to my self-confidence. I had failed at something, and failed in such a way that it could have had a serious impact on both myself and my husband. What if we couldn’t pay the bills? What then?

Fortunately, I spent less than a month unemployed. I was picked up by Willy Wonka’s Raisin Factory in a nearby town and temped for them for almost four months before they hired me. I was so grateful for a job that I didn’t mind working 50 hour work weeks. I must have been doing something right, because they gave me a raise before they hired me. Finally, a boost to my bruised self esteem!

2009 started out in an unassuming manner – I had been hired on full-time at Willy Wonka’s and was content. The benefits weren’t what I had become accustomed to, but then again not every job could be as good as a federal or municipal position, right? And then out-of-the-blue I received a phone call from The Bank, where I had worked before leaving to go work for The City. My old position was coming open and my old manager was interested in talking to me about coming back.

There was suddenly a light shining down upon me. Another big boost to my self esteem! It was a heart-wrenching decision to leave Willy Wonka’s and the family I had gained there, but it was a decision to be made.

I’ve spent the past year back with my old co-workers at The Bank. I slipped right into the fold again and have rolled with some pretty unsettling changes…staying busier than I was promised and taking on quite a bit more responsibility than I had anticipated when I went back. It has been a challenge that I think I have risen to well. And my self esteem has recovered quite a bit.

In retrospect, while sorting out my issues and licking my wounds, I can see that I’m not so bad after all. Looking around at the economic climate of the time, to have been unemployed for less than a month was pretty amazing. To receive a substantial raise by the company that I was temping for before they even hired me was pretty outstanding. And to be hired back by The Bank, whom I left to go to work The City, where I would eventually be fired…well, I think that that alone speaks volumes. I really don’t think that the problem at The City was me.

I don’t think that I am back to where I was before. I’ve stopped cringing when the phone rings, but I still find myself facing a sense of dread that I’m not doing a good enough job. Which is really silly of me…there have been no indications at all over the course of the past year that I haven’t been doing well. But that sense is still there…it is probably something that I will carry with me for a long time…all as a result of the time I spent working under Boss Lady (who has since been renamed something really not appropriate for public forums.) So I’ve still got some issues to resolve, but I’m working on them.

So 2009 was a better year for me than 2008, and I’m looking forward to 2010. This year, I resolve to blog more and start sharing photos and accounts of our adventures and explorations together. In fact, I plan to spend this weekend getting our photo collection caught up on Shutterfly. We really did go places in 2009, and I’ve got the proof on my computer. And I’m already brainstorming new blog ideas for posting.

Stick with me…it’ll get better. It already has.