Deja Vu

I’ve noticed a pattern lately – events in my current life seem to be reflecting and magnifying my recent past. Only this is happening in ways that are better than before.

When Hubby and I first moved out to California, I found myself returning to the banking industry and spent a year as a banking assistant in a lending department. The position held no glamour. It had no excitement. I spent my days filing, archiving and making copies. Not exactly a challenge to me. After a year of living this existence, I branched out to another employment opportunity that I thought would be a better move for me…back into government employ, although this would be my first foray into localized government.

Well, we all know how that worked out for me. I took quite a beating for a year and a half and found my confidence in myself to be much less than what it was before. For the first time in my life, I had doubts about myself and my abilities. I couldn’t quite bring myself to feel secure in anything that I did. I no longer felt confident when conferring with supervisors. I often worried about whether or not I was performing to expectations. I began allowing myself to suffer - always putting the needs of others before me and never accomplishing anything for myself. It was to the point that whenever anyone asked me to do anything, I would immediately stop what I was doing and work on the new task - never feeling a sense of accomplishment for anything and always feeling the pressure of that backlog of tasks waiting for me to return.

This summer, forced into unemployment, I found myself working in an accounting department in an effort to make ends meet and continue to live a comfortable life. Like my prior stint in the world of accounting (as an accounts payable clerk for a roofing company – term of employment was one month), the pay wasn’t exactly what I was accustomed to, but it was enough to live on. And I really liked the job, the environment and the people that I was working with. Sure – I was working 54-hour workweeks. But I was among like-minded people. We had fun together and the time flew by. I found myself beginning to rebuild my former self – the confidence and ease were returning. But like before, the experience was to be short lived.

A couple of weeks ago, totally out-of-the-blue, I was contacted by a former coworker of mine from the bank. My old position was opening up again, and my former manager was interested in talking to me about coming back to a beefed-up position with higher pay. 

I was absolutely floored. I did not go seeking this opportunity – I had already decided that I liked where I was and would be able to live with the downscaled benefits and longer days. However, I was intrigued. I met with my former manager and we discussed the “new” job. It certainly sounded better than before and she and the rest of the staff were glad to see me when I came through the door.

The offer came through and I spent time agonizing over the decisions. The benefits would be so much better, the pay equal to what I brought home working for The City…oh, and to return to a 40-hour workweek! But I loved my current job – the days passed quickly (all six of them each week!) and I really enjoyed bantering with the people that I worked with. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but in the end I decided on a return to my past.

This week, I will return to the life of banking. I feel confident that I will be able to meet the challenges that will be laid before me. I’ll be learning new duties and have the opportunity to once again prove myself to be successful.

I will overcome the emotional damage that I sustained in my prior job. I will rebuild my confidence. I will prove myself. I will be a success.